The deeper I go into grief the longer I travel this road, the more sinful I become. How do I feel so sinful now? I am no more sinful today than I was yesterday. When we have "control" over our lives, we also seem to have control over our sin. Not that we sin less, but that we are very good at hiding it. I have often heard that in grief or pain a person tends to have little ability to filter what goes in or comes out. We say things we don't mean to say or do things that are out of character for us.
This has been more than true for me. I feel like I have reached my full capacity. I don't have any more room to absorb anything. This is evident when something makes me angry and I can't "swallow" it, process, think though my response before responding. I just react. I say what's on my mind. I feel like a balloon ready to burst. It is common to hear someone who has suffered great loss described as becoming bitter and angry. I don't think we become any more bitter or angered than we were before. People in pain just have to let out the anger they feel because they can't absorb it and hide it from others. They are a true reflection of what we really look like.
In the midst of my pain, my sin is revealed bigger than before. My filters are down. Why does such a huge portion of my hurt each day have to be the mirror image of my sinfulness? As I wrestled my emotions one day, I begged God why I have to turn into such a wretched person. I wondered why God wouldn't relieve me of that. I began to look for God's presence. Where is He? Suddenly I realized that I had just seen him...right in front of my face. He is in the faces of my children when they cling to me despite the way I have treated them. He has shown me himself through the way my husband loves me no matter who I have become. How could my husband love me when I act this way? It's because he vowed to love me unconditionally. He made a promise to me and to God. If my husband, being human could love me this much, how much more does God love me being God himself?
I pondered God's love for me. In the Bible God describes his love for us in many ways, but one of them is through the marriage of a man and woman. A man is to love his wife the way Christ loves the Church...so much that He gave his life for those he loves. God wants me to see the greatness of my sin so that I can see the greatness of His love for me! The clearer reflection of my sin is a gift from God, not a curse. It is a window into God's presence.
My youngest child's name is Grace. I am so thankful for her and her name. I often say her name and sing the old hymn "Grace, Grace, God's grace....grace that will pardon and cleanse within....Grace that is greater than all my sin." It is a constant reminder to me that God's grace is sufficient for me.