I sat in our brand new attic. It is a part of the new house, but it attaches to the old house. Sounds complicated, but its not. In the attempt to finish the remnants of unpacking I dug into a few more boxes hoping to consolidate and put away. The boxes were filled with tangible memories of days gone by. Yet those days return in an instant at times and have a way of placing me directly in them once again. I wonder why it is that I can not do this with the moments I wish to relive. The ones where I walked down the aisle, or held a new born baby in my arms. But no, they are the ones where I walked down the aisle behind a casket, the scent of flowers over the grave, the boxes of cards I wish i never had to receive, the guest list in attendance at my daughters funeral. Her Funeral. Why? I still could not wrap my mind around this reality even 5 years later. I looked up to notice the corner of the attic designated to hold her belongings. Her life, in rubber made bins, in the attic. It is too much. A reality that I live every day, yet can not grasp one moment of. I asked God aloud "Why?" and "Do you really love me?"
Ashley caring for the first baby "Mae"
His response came simply. My friend had been pouring over my face book photos of my daughter. She happened to comment on one in particular, one in which Ashley was gently caring for a new born kid from her favorite goat. Her comment drew my attention as well as other friends online to this photo. We all admired the beauty. I remember that day. The day my children got to experience one of the many gifts of farm living....the gift of new life. I enjoyed this moment in time as I looked again and again at this photo.
the new baby "Ruthie"
It was the next morning. My son went to the barn to care for our animals before school. He came running to the door on this very cold morning with a smile on his face. "MOM....there is a new baby in the barn!" It was from Ashley's goat, the same one that had delivered the baby in that photo. She had not had babies since that first time 5 years ago. I went to the barn to find a little miracle. A precious baby dressed in black silky fur with soft white floppy ears and a little tip of white on her nose. We tenderly enjoyed this baby as we carefully outfitted her stall with hay and a heat lamp.
Ashley holding "Mae" 2009
The miracle in it all was simple. God Said He Loves Me still. Five years later, a new baby. A new life....one identical to the one my daughter once held. Her name is "Ruthie" after my friend who once lived next door. The name means "Companion, friend, and vision of beauty." This baby, I believe was given to me as another visible reminder that God Cares about even the little things in this life. He cares about me even more. He LOVES me deeply. Deeply enough to give me a gift. A gift as simple and gentle as baby goat in the barn. God's son came to us in a barn as well. A Simple and beautiful gift. Jesus, also my companion and my friend, who will sit beside me and love me as open those boxes and visit the places I despise. His Mercies are new every morning! He is faithful!
I am a child of God, a beloved wife, a mother of four beautiful children..one of which was called home to heaven ...I am learning to live again, living with grief, growing with Grace, yearning for heaven. My perspective on life has been changed forever.
The day I created my blog, I was trying to decide what to call it. Just then my oldest daughter, Ashley walked in with a handfull of flowers freshly picked for me...thus the name, flowers for momma. She was always picking flowers for me...I look forward to picking flowers with her in Heaven one day.