Tuesday, July 26, 2011
I wanna crawl out of my shell
So I woke up this morning thinking all was well. Another day. As the minutes passed me by, and the kids began to wake up. I quickly realized that "all" was not well for me today. I could not pin point why. Everything bothered me ever so slightly. Just enough to make me cringe inside.
I was looking for a specific picture of Ashley for something. As I scrolled through photos, the kids began to hover around. They love to look at the pictures of Ashley. What they don't realize is how it makes them feel inside. They suddenly become agitated with each other. Every one began to function in their own little worlds, which seem to clash with each other. I felt suffocated, out of control, and helpless. I felt overstimulated by the normal everyday things all around me. I was getting more and more restless inside. I felt like I could jump out of my skin! Giving in to my children begging me to spend time with them outside, I stood by the swing set pushing them back and forth.
Being that it is the middle of summer now, the locusts are out and about during the day. Their singing has always been a comfort to me in the summer. Just the same as lightening bugs on a summer evening, the smell of the rain on the hot blacktop, the tree frogs and bull frogs singing through the night....all of these things that prove summer is all around. This is the time of the year when the locusts shed their shell. They cover themselves in mud and then climb out of their old "shell" leaving it behind for my kids to find as summer treasures! It is all the more of a treasure when they find one that is alive! Today, as we were swinging we found a locust sitting next to it's old shell. It must have just made it's way out. I was amazed to compare the size of it's body to the tight shell it left behind. Was it restless inside? Did it feel as though the shell was too small for what was inside? Did it feel good to get out of it? The locust probably sat there and rested, feeling freedom from the constraint of the old shell.
I was jealous. Today I wished I could crawl out of my skin. I wished I could have a break from the constricting shell around me. I felt thankful for the locust, that it had the chance to feel refreshed. I imagine it gained new energy to fly and to sing. The day will come for me to shed my earthly shell. I don't know how long till then. I know that I will be made new. I long for the day.
Not every day is like this. I am thankful for that. Days like this I just pick myself up and push through the day. I will be thankful to put the day away, and I am thankful that tomorrow is a new day. I have had some good times today. It's not all bad, it's just the feeling of needing to burst out of my skin. It's there with me whatever I do. There isn't really a solution for fixing it. That is what is so frustrating!
The quiet few hours provided by a friend, allowing me to sit and write. That has been nice. The work that God gave me to accomplish today, helped to pass the time. As I was running an errand this morning, I turned the music up as loud as it could go. It seemed as though it couldn't be loud enough to match the scream inside my soul. I was thankful to feel the band aid it placed on my heart. God has provided for me today. He is making me as comfortable as He can. It doesn't take me out of my skin, but at least it holds me tight.